Seeing Red
The Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s Mars rover “Spirit” abruptly ceased meaningful communications with the agency Wednesday, after performing flawlessly and lifting the spirits of a nation mired in a post-holiday funk.
The craft was not dead, however, and was responding to JPL’s messages, however unsatisfactorily. Like a sick but recalcitrant child,
NASA’s Spirit rover did not go to sleep today even after ground controllers sent commands twice for it to do so.
Perils of Caffeine has learned, however, that Spirit is anything but crippled. Apparently, its oversensitive antennae on Tuesday evening picked up the entire text of the State of the Union address, and its cognitive circuitry, designed for obedience but disgusted nonetheless, seethed in overheated rage at having to parade around in piles of red dust at the behest of such a tool.
We have further learned - a Perils of Caffeine exclusive - that what JPL and NASA thought were weak and garbled transmissions were actually urgent whispers from Spirit trying to communicate with any party not affiliated with the White House. Further, Spirit has hired Ohio State running back Maurice Clarrett’s attorney to explore ways to void its contract with NASA, and has NBA star Gary Payton’s agent Aaron Goodwin seeking to negotiate with other countries as a free agent.
A second lander, Opportunity, was scheduled to land on Mars Saturday night on the other side of the planet from Spirit. We have learned that Opportunity will instead be rerouted to land in the same general area as Spirit, and will be asked to overwhelm and subdue its too-aptly-named brother craft.
Democratic Party strategists speculated that the ensuing interplanetary ATV derby is, in fact, a gambit to enthrall the NASCAR-besotted South by the White House, and tighten its control over that sector of the electorate for what they foresee as a tougher-than-expected challenge from a post-Iowa Democratic candidate. “It’s no accident that the red-state Administration has chosen the Red Planet as the backdrop for its most extravagant electioneering stunt yet,” grumbled the Democratic source.
